"Connection is why we're here. We are hardwired to connect with others, it's what gives purpose and meaning to our lives, and without it there is suffering." - Daring Greatly, Brene Brown.
My relationship history is not pretty. I would often light myself on fire to keep others warm.
I am an overthinking, perfectionist, anxious, people pleaser, so when it came to relationships it often meant hiding my true self to be what I perceived my partner wanted.
The outcome: feeling deeply unseen, undervalued, consistently having unmet needs, and ultimately not feeling accepted by the person I cared about. I'd become angry, get the "ick", and finally end the relationship.
I even ended relationships with great guys that had serious potential.
Lonely, and always feeling like I was both not enough and too much, I hoped to one day give up on the idea of getting married and having a family; but forever hopeful, I kept dating and kept having similar patterns in each of my relationships.
What I didn't learn in graduate school...
The key to feeling safe enough in a relationship to be your full self and be part of a solid team is
Connection!
All humans have a need for close connection and attachment to a special person. As children this is our parents, for better or worse, but as we grow up we seek to move our attachment to a romantic partner.
Unfortunately, most of us have experiences in life that teach us not to connect.
So I spent the next decade after graduate school learning about attachment and how disconnected couples can find connection. Without security and connection, we fall into negative patterns in relationships that lead us to:
- Feeling lonely and like roommates
- Losing intimacy
- Increased conflict
- Getting more critical and hostile
- Blaming
- Shutting down
- Infidelity
- Leaning more into work and less into your relationship
In my 10+ years as a licensed psychologist and near decade as a relationship specialist, I've worked with hundreds of couples to restore and build their relationship confidence, security, trust, and intimacy.
Vulnerability is hard, but it's the only path to true intimacy and connection.
I was even able to turn my knowledge into personal experience. I met and married a wonderful man with whom I can be open, honest, and myself. I feel valued and seen. We overcome challenges and conflict, even now though we are way past the honeymoon period. And we have grown our family!
This journey to developing a connected, secure relationship starts small. You can travel this road if you're at the start of your relationship and want to do it right or 50 years in and wanted to find each other again.
Ready to get started?
