Holding Space for the Heartbreak: Navigating Pregnancy Loss & Infertility
Rachel Orleck 
How couples can navigate grief, loss, and infertility together—without losing connection. Real talk on intimacy, support, and staying close.
Pregnancy loss and infertility are some of the most painful, disorienting experiences a couple can face—yet so few people talk about them honestly.
In this episode, I sit down with Dr. Julie Bindeman to explore what really happens to intimacy, communication, and connection when fertility dreams are disrupted.
Listen or read below.
Infertility and pregnancy loss aren’t just medical issues.
They shake your sense of self. They disrupt intimacy. And they strain even the strongest relationships.
Whether you’ve just started trying, are deep in fertility treatments, or are grieving a loss that no one else even knew about—this post is for you.
In this powerful episode of Coupled With…, reproductive psychologist Dr. Julie Bindeman joins me to talk about:
- How pregnancy loss impacts each partner differently
- Why grief styles often clash—and how to stay connected anyway
- What happens to intimacy, sex, and communication during fertility challenges
- And how to support someone who’s grieving (without saying the wrong thing)
Why This Is So Painful—And So Lonely
Pregnancy loss often follows months or years of infertility, creating a double layer of grief.
You’re not just grieving a baby.
You’re grieving the dream.
The identity. The imagined future. The nursery you were already decorating in your mind.
And the worst part? Most people don’t know how to support you through it.
Even well-meaning friends or family say things like:
- “At least you already have a child.”
- “You can always try again.”
- “Just be grateful for what you have.”
It’s isolating. Exhausting. And it can leave couples clinging to each other without a clear way to connect.
Grief Looks Different for Everyone
Most couples don’t grieve the same way.
Dr. Bindeman explains how some people are intuitive grievers—they feel deeply and want to process.
Others are instrumental grievers—they want to act, fix, or stay busy.
Neither is wrong. But when you need support and your partner is grieving in a way that looks completely different from your own, it can create serious disconnect.
You might think:
“Why aren’t you as upset as I am?”
“Why don’t you want to talk about this?”
“Are we even on the same page about what just happened?”
Understanding each other’s grief style can prevent you from mistaking difference for disconnection.
Pregnancy After Loss: A Tense Journey
Even after a successful pregnancy, the impact of a past loss lingers.
Many couples describe being in a constant state of hyper-vigilance—unable to relax, afraid to hope, overwhelmed by anxiety.
Some start to feel like pregnancy is a minefield of grief waiting to explode.
Others feel numb, detached, or disconnected from their own joy—afraid it might be ripped away again.
This tension can create stress, not just internally, but between partners:
- One may want to plan for the baby.
- The other may not want to speak it aloud until they’re holding the baby in their arms.
Both are understandable. But they need space, validation, and communication.
What Happens to Sex and Intimacy?
Let’s be real—fertility treatments and loss can completely wreck your sex life.
You may avoid sex altogether due to grief, pain, or trauma.
Or it becomes purely functional, tied to ovulation, test results, or doctor’s orders.
Suddenly:
- Pleasure turns into pressure
- Connection feels clinical
- Desire gets replaced by dread
Dr. Bindeman encourages couples to redefine intimacy:
- Non-penetrative touch
- Emotional closeness
- Shared rituals of comfort or affection
Because sex isn’t just about making babies. It’s about feeling alive, connected, and worthy of pleasure—especially when everything else feels uncertain.
How to Support Each Other (and Yourself)
You can’t pour from an empty cup—especially when your partner needs you and you’re grieving too.
So how do you hold space for both of your needs?
✅ Ask instead of assume
“Do you want me to listen or help problem-solve?”
✅ Name what you’re needing clearly
“I need to talk this out—but I don’t need you to fix it.”
✅ Share the load of advocacy and explanation
Especially when navigating family conversations about infertility, embryo donation, or loss.
✅ Make space for the body
Reconnect with yourself through walks, nature, movement—even when sex or physical intimacy feels out of reach.
And when support is lacking outside your relationship, consider peer groups, therapy, or just one trusted friend who gets it. You don’t have to explain the basics to them. You can just feel what you feel.
If You’re Supporting Someone Through Loss…
Please—don’t just say “let me know if you need anything.” Grievers often have no idea what they need.
Instead:
- Offer something specific (“Can I bring dinner on Thursday?”)
- Follow their language (if they named the baby, you use the name too)
- Remember them on key dates (the due date, the loss date, the birthday that never came)
Sometimes the most powerful thing you can say is:
“I’m so sorry. I wish I had better words. I’m here if you want to talk—or not talk.”
Final Thoughts: You’re Not Alone
Pregnancy loss and infertility will never be easy.
But it doesn’t have to break your relationship.
With emotional honesty, space for difference, and a commitment to staying close—even when you’re hurting—you can move through this together.
Because love isn’t just about celebrating the good times.
It’s about holding space for each other when everything hurts.
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💌 Want support that actually helps?
Get my free 7-day email course:
Break the Cycle: 7 Days to Stop the Same Fight and Rebuild Connection
Even grief-related tension can shift when you know how to reconnect.
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Categories: : Connection, Grief, Infertility, Pregnancy Loss, Support
